14.12.05
realising
I was sitting on the bus on the way home tonight, staring into space, sifting through random thoughts when I came upon the memories of my 21st. I remembered how at the time of my 21st everyone was telling me that 21 is the year. The most memborable year. A party year. A few months ago I was discussing this fiction (I thought at the time it was a fiction, back then my 21st year seemed like any other) with someone who clarified that 21 may not be a party year, but it is the year where you find yourself, find a direction and just generally grow up. I started to wonder tonight, getting close to 22 as I am, weather this has been true of my 21st year.
When I really got into thinking about it all I realised that this has probably been the biggest year of my life. This year I really started to get my life on track. This year has been the first year that I've gotten distinctions and high distinctions at uni, even though I've had the ability, and known I've had the ability, all along. This year has been the first year where my confidence has risen rather than fallen. And boy has it risen. Along with performance anxiety I've suffered from mild social anxiety and the events of the past few weeks have made me realise how far I've come in conquoring that too. After Sarah's wedding her friend that I sat next to at the reception told Sarah repeatedly how lovely I was, and how rare it is to meet such a nice person. And last weekend, after A's work Christmas party he received tonnes of compliments on how lovely I was. This is a really big boost to my ego. I've always worried about meeting new people and carrying conversations and I've gradually over this past year proven to myself that I can carry a conversation and that I can write an essay and that I can where a low cut dress (and happily this summer I've been wearing a few of those). I've proven to myself that I have nothing to fear.
Realising all that I've accomplished this year has made me realise how happy I am. I'm really happy with who I am and where I am right now. I'm happy being a student, I'm happy in my job and I'm happy in my relationship. And this isn't because of a change in circumstance but because of a change in myself. And I'm going to keep telling myself how happy I am being where I am, because I'm just not used to being happy. And I guess its true, for me at least, that 21 is a good year, a year of change. I can easily say that its been the best year of my life and I'm happy to come to the end of it a much better person.
10:42 p.m.