12.12.05
questions
Last week I told my parents that I was moving in with A. There was enough silence and fake smiles to make me fairly sure that my parents (my Mum rather than my Dad) were unsure about the move. I was expecting some worry on their part, questions along the line of "Are you really sure this is the right thing?" and "Are you sure you aren't too young?". At first I thought their silence was a result of their feeling me to be old enough to make my own decisions, and maybe that was partly it. Having thought about it some more I know that it was partly shock, while it seems obvious to me that us moving in together follows logically from the amount of time that he already spends at my place they're not around to see that so much. But I also think that part of my Mum's worry stems from A's family background and culture. A is originally from Bangladesh and his family is Muslim. Growing up he has become increasingly anglicised and is also an atheist. This has caused a lot of friction in his family. His relationship with me is also another point of contention, his parents were trying to arrange a marriage for him and traditionally his wife would have moved into the family home and helped look after his parents in old age. I don't think I'm the sort of daughter they were looking for.
My Mum knows how committed I am to A and has voiced her concern on a couple of occaisions that while she likes A she worries about his family situation and worries about what would happen if we decided to marry and have kids. And my Mum is right, it would be difficult for our kids to have a relationship with his parents if they didn't first accept our relationship. My Mum thinks these things because she's worries about me, short-term and long-term. Me, I've just learnt to be patient about these things. I'm more than happy to learn Bangladeshi if it would help build a relationship, but I also know that it's such a shift in expectations for his parents that I can't expect them to be happy with his choices over night.
People always express shock when I tell them about A's background and some of the difficulties it has posed for us. In the end though I see it as such a minor thing. Surely there many other obstacles to relationships that other people experience that we will not. And in the end while it may make things very difficult for us, particularly after we move out, I don't think that is the defining key to our relationship. It is just another of those things that you deal with on a day to day basis that (hopefully) gradually gets easier.
I don't know what any of this means any more. I'm so tired about talking about moving out and talking about the difficuties of it- physically, emotionally, financially that it doesn't even really make sense any more. All its done is fill me with an aprehension that strikes me with stomach pains at inoportune moments. So, I might just give up thinking about things tonight and get me some sleep.
10:57 p.m.