19.10.05
changes
I'm in a really strange place in my life right now. I'm waking from a dream and shaking my head in disbelief. Somewhere, a very long time ago things started very slowly, very subtly to go wrong. So subtly that I didn't even know it was happening. It was a very gradual process. The accumulation of one small decision after another, so small that I didn't notice anything was wrong. I continued struggling through things for a few more years before I began to make changes with the help of A (my boyfriend) and a councellor.
And now I'm beginning to shake off this dream. Now, when I think about how I used to live my life it amazes me. I can't believe how scared I was about so many things. And I know that in another years time I'll still be thinking the same thing about me now because I still have so many things to change.
I was thinking today about how different my life would be if I had't have met A. It scares me. If I hadn't have met A I wouldn't have made half the changes to my life that I have, I would probably still be with my ex-boyfriend and I definitely wouldn't be as happy as I am. When we met he saw more potential in me than I ever had and it confused me. I couldn't understand what he saw in me and consequently I didn't trust him. Now, I'm starting to see some of what he saw back then.
When my lease finishes on my place A and I are going to move in together. It's been almost a year and a half now and I still get goosebumps when I think about the boy. We've grown together so much over this past year and a half and I can't wait for us to be living together and sharing our lives.
8:35 p.m.