05.12.05
chapter end
I read through some old emails from Josh tonight. It was kind of like a test somehow. How would I feel reading over everything that went down? The last correspondence before we finally broke everything off? I thought I would be angry reading all the subtle slights and insults he worked in so innocently. I thought I would be as angry as I was then but with no room for comeback anymore.
For a long time I've considered sending Josh one final email but I've resisted the temptation to open the door that I closed and nailed shut so vigorously. The reason that I wanted to email him was to prove to him that I wasn't all the things that he said I was and to tell him all the things he really was that I never could. But the emails didn't provoke me. I wasn't angry. Even so, I thought maybe I should just write a letter and get rid of whatever anger remained once and for all. Write the kind of letter you write with half a mind to send and half a mind to burn. But when I sat down to a blank screen I couldn't type a thing. There wasn't anything more for me to say him anymore. It's been 9 months since I last spoke to him and 22 months since we broke up and finally I feel like I have nothing to prove to him. I'm not sure where this calm and equilibrium came from but its welcome. For a long time my habit was to constantly wonder and think what Josh thought of who I was and what I was doing, even after we broke up. But slowly and gradually things have changed, so slowly that I didn't realise it was happening. For a long time I've been so adamant that he wasn't part of my life and now he truly isn't. In fact, I think this should be the last word said about him.
10:28 p.m.